Note to self.

It has been long since I blogged here. Of a night full of negativity maybe I need to outpour my emotions. 

The past weeks have been tough, having to push through my sales. Really looking at how bad I am in it. Although I look fine but it's killing my inside, I really want to achieve but I am doing nothing like that. 

Seeing how other girl get to visit their BF, I felt sad. I couldn't afford to, having to ask this amount of money from my mum don't make sense at all. 

Tired of all these shits that nobody sees. 

Outlet.

There's this random sadness from within today, maybe it's prolly the PMS period, emotional breakdown once again. 

Sometimes I feel so tired 

Tired of putting up a strong front.

Tired of trying to be mature.

Tired of trying to be understanding.

Tired of trying to listen.

Tired of being who I am now.

What can I do.

I really don't know what's the best option I can choose to handle the situation I am in. I just want to escape, but I know I can't. Time to sleep, tomorrow will be better. At least I hope it will be 😪

I really have no idea how long more I can hang on.

London bridge is falling down.

Having dizziness for the past few days already. I really wonder if there something wrong with my body now, it's scary just by thinking about it. But the funny thing is nobody feels that I am serious about my dizziness, like I will always get well one. Having this dizziness with me for the past few days really freaks me out, trying my very very best to act normal. When I am feeling so horrible, eat feels like puking, sit feels the whole world is falling. I don't have to let anyone know, one thing I concluded on. Did you realized you are going through the process of dying every night when you fall asleep? When you decide to let go of your mind and you lose consciousness. 

Having to handle my family matters and telling myself I will be fine, I will be strong enough to go through all this shits. Maybe it's just a challenge I had to go through, just part and parcel of my life. 

Really tired of all these drama in life, I need a break. But nobody understands because they see that I am always smiling on the outside. "I need a break,I really really do. I don't know when I will snap."

Feel like pouring my mind with someone but there's no one at this hour. 

Naaa.

Kinda a bored day today. Sometimes it's the emptiness within yourself that really kills, it kills so badly.

Do you sometimes feel how you can't get negativity off you and somehow hoped people around you can be more understanding during that period of time? When they see that you are trying your best and be more understanding instead of picking on you because at those time you can't handle your own emotions. Those emotions of emptiness, burden, irritation, extra sets in. So much so, life just doesn't happen this way, at these time you feel how people walked out, how they judge and let you be with yourself. 

How I wished I could handle myself, but who is that perfect one? 

We always see thing in our perspective then you neglected everything that came along. 

Just a little bit more. I always want to enjoy, why I can't :/ 

Nobody know how much you deserve to be loved other than yourself. 

累了。

Dichan.

It's late at night, the night hasn't really been very good decide to release my emotion here.

Quiz for thermo, really tried to push myself to the limit but still didn't managed to achieve what I wanted, quite disappointed but what to do I already gave my best. Felt really lousy :/

Now lying on the bed; refusing to fall asleep and thinking about stuff suddenly felt my throat feeling itchy. Oh well, feels like my body gonna fall on me when times gonna get just tougher and tougher :/ life just have to treat me like that.

Late night thought (s)

Thinking thinking.

Does a girl in a relationship tends to tear more often than usual?

Mum was saying maybe we can be out for dim sum together tomorrow then there was a change of plan. So I thought we could just head to town shop and have dim sum ourselves instead. Then she's saying she has to do her account work. Why when it is one plan it works than the other it doesn't? Sometimes i can't help to feel like she only tries to grab me when I am not around and when I am around, sometimes she just takes me for granted. So I am wondering whether I should just make plan for myself and not stay home tomorrow then I am afraid she feels lonely. This is oh so contradicting.

Whatever, just gonna rot at home instead.

So many things I wanna do just nobody to do with me or I should say I dont want to interfere with others' life. I should really start doing what I want by myself. A walk in the nature, finding food I wanna try, wanting others to make time for me is just a foolish wish. Because nobody would. So instead of hoping for that, I should just shut the world and head out myself.

Maybe I always wanted someone to put me on the top of their priority list just that I realised nobody would. And maybe, just maybe only I can be that person to do that to myself. Understanding this is one thing, doing is the other. But oh well, recognising the problem is the first step, let's take it step by step.

Even I am tired of myself tearing so frequently.

Bad.

I ask why my day always end on a bad note each day the  I remind myself " I am the director of this 'show' in my life, it's me who let all these happen" feeling really really down, not even done with settling my relationship problems, mum just had to bring out my academic problems.

Just trying to make me like a problematic kid with one after another problems piling up. This moment I really feel very useless, sometimes I really tough when it comes to making friends. That's the whole problem why I am struggling with my academic result, I dont know and I don't know who to ask because I had like no friends in my school. Feels really like a pathom student. Ninja to school and back to hall. I remember how hard I tried to join my jc clique and make friends with them. Mum just had to pull me down asking how hard is it, doubting me, she just doesn't understand the barrier I have. I guess nobody do. They just say, since when they undergo what I go through? 

Things I am grateful for despite today being a very bad day:
1. Made it for work on time 
2. Ate the nice kway chap.
3. Ate ding tai fung with chans.
4. Get to celebrate yushan mini celebration. 

Time for bed.

Morning glory.

It's a whole new day. Think I'm gonna be late, was reading this article and think this phrase is very relatable to me.

"We all look like sh*t sometimes – but she doesn’t need to hear you say it."

Waiting for the bus to bring me to work. Moving slowly, slowly. Legs still feeling rather uncomfortable, hope I recover soon. Didn't really sleep well yesterday night, shivered for I dont know what reason. Tired day ahead..

Is it that

Is it that because you are attached you get more emotionally easily... then again the tears almost fill my eyes. I really wonder how many times do I need before I become stronger, back to the person I used to be. Feels so much like a weakling. Guess I've chosen the hardest "work" in life thus far, going through it makes my emotions going on a rollar coaster ride. It's tiring at times, sometimes I do feel like running away but glad I stikl managed to face the problem be it the people make me face it or I choose the face it eventually,  it hasn't been easy because it wasn't exactly what the me may do. Instead of just thinking through the sad part I shall put now the things I am grateful for the day.
1. Mummy heating bee hoon she cooked yesterday for my breakfast.
2. Making to work on time although it has been a week I haven't taken bus to work.
3. Meeting bff for dinner.
4. Able to have htht session with her after a long long while.
5. Able to talk on the phone with meh (although it didn't turn out well at the end but I'm still happy we get to talk on the phone)
6. Had more than enough sleep previous night. 

That's all folks, time for bed.
may everything be gone tomorrow morning. 
No more toubles.

More than that.

Got back my result, got a lot worst than what I have expected and received academic warning from school. But this time round instead of just feeling devastated I asked myself what could/should I do and what do I want to achieve ultimately at the end. After attending the life-changing course by Seeds Mind Education, I found my aim and I think I can walk towards that. It's as simple as me being successful so that I can support my mum. I really want to do so.

Randoming looking through my wechat moments, saw this article that mentioned about recalling 10 grateful moments in the day. I feel like that's something I should start doing and FEEL my happiness and grateful for people around me each day.

1. As cheesy as it sounds, I am really to wake up and smile at myself in the mirror.
2 Able to eat my favourite sweet potato though it was harder than usual.
3. Getting to have duck kway chap for lunch.
4. Hearing compliments from my boss through my colleague.
5. Getting to have meh meh to fetch me after work.
6. Having the chance to eat nice and tasty soba noodles by him.
7. Celebrating and surprising iris for her birthday.

Let's leave it at 7 first. Feeling sleepyyyy. Good night! 

Holiday, not.

Oh well, it doesn't really even feels like a holiday to me. Down with intern, sometimes it gets really boring because I dont know why I didn't manage to get any specific to do so everyday I need to wait till my boss get back to me. If he doesnt, I had nothing to do, just sit there and do random reading. Then I see people around me busy with their project, get to design their pamphlet, email clients and make call. Kind of really envy them but yeah, maybe I should be glad I dont have to do so many things? However, that deficits the purpose of me going for intern isn't it? Well, I should try to be more proactive to ask for job then, did try a bit today. See how it turns out tomorrow. Colleague wanted to pass me part of her job but that doesn't sound like a good plan right? I also hope to come out with something new too...

My friend mentioned that taurus is materialistic person. I do really can't disagree this statement. Quite materialistic, love shopping buying nth clothes nth bags and shoes. Just blessed to have a mum that always tries her best to give me what I wanted. Always craving for all type of food - cafe type of food, sashimi, different desserts. The list could possibly go on and on. Likes IT gadgets, camera, phone. Oh well, according to horoscope my mum is the best person to keep me in control but I guess she's still doing it that's why I'm still quite under control now.

Some random ramblings. Alright, nuahing on the bed. Good night peeps.

BAABABABABA

What a weird blog title. Just back to put down some thoughts in my mind before I continue hitting the tutorials all again. Life have been really meh meh meh, everyday waking up to study and continue studying till late night then back to sleep. this is what you call university life, so much for not studying hard enough during the school term. Always end up holding the buddha leg before the exams, really wonder when can I stop doing this. This is really really stressful to handle, damn need to get over and done with this. Just one more week plus I am gonna be legally 20, how does life feels when you hit the big 2? Let's me see how it feels like soon enough. Though mehly I should be back to school to prepare for my dynamics paper, another killer paper for me. 

Never like to be a burden, like when I feel somehow someone is reluctant to do something for me, I really feel like telling the person right in his/her face, "I can get it done by myself.". Never like to get forced to do something, in the same way I don't like force it onto others. 

Saw the article that talks about boyfriend sending his girlfriend back, not taking it as an obligation but because he wants to do it, for the safety and what's not. But thinking about it, a couple that stays at different ends of Singapore, sometimes it not that logical to do that? Obviously, if you are at the receiving anything is good anyway but for the one sending the other party back, the journey do feel like a waste of time? That's being logical and practical. then thinking about this, when we fall in love should we use less of the brain to make logical thinking and use more of the heart? Or use the more emotion part of the brain. Another perspective gonna say, doesn't this make falling in love making one stupid? 

I guess that's not stupid, that's love/care for another that isn't practical and logical to begin with. 

But it's alright, keeping yourself rational is still as important anyway. 

Anything works, just bring yourself to keep up with the situation.

Back to the endless tutorials, blahblahblah.

DADA.

2cents worth.

Ideal/not ideal.

Probably everyone thought of the ideal guy/girl he/she wants to find in her life. I probably thought of one too. But no doubt if one choose to be too focus on finding whether the guy/girl has all the points your ideally thought of then it's kind of going to be hard to find that one person in your life, because perfect is too big a word to put it on your lover. Well, you may think your lover is perfect but to me the word prefect don't really exist.

Being too much into love novel, I always hope that I can get a boyfriend who is very romantic (I can't exactly define what is that it's an emotion but somehow I think it's gonna be costly), giving surprises from time to time, spend money on me, get me presents, out for dinner frequently and pamper me like a princess. I don't have to say much the guy will get my subtle hints to go out, to eat something and tada the food appears. He gets it that I really want to see him and appear in front of me (get some telepathy skill), send me home when I'm tired and the list can keep going on and on. Then again, who doesn't want what I mentioned above?

Maybe I don't say guys like this don't exists since I still see guys like this appearing on my instagram when I see my friends posting on their boyfriend. But think about it, that's their boyfriend, not mine. I probably never thought of any of my overly love novel requirements I mentioned when I choose my boyfriend cause I don't think that was what I am looking for. More like the character and thinking wise was what I was looking for. I realised those points were not that important afterall, a good to have but definitely not a must have at all. My favourite chinese variety show 非诚勿扰 always has this from 要找个靠普的男生。 Which mean someone reliable, down-to-earth.

After all the random ramblings still glad to have my meh meh. Finals gonna come soon, knowing that he is stressed up with it, I shall distract him less while I try my best to focus too.

Looking forward to the end of exams then I can have a more laid-way life at home.

I think realising how I am going to "celebrate" my birthday makes me sad. Gonna stuck in school trying to mug for the next paper, sigh yo :/ although not like without examination gonna be better but oh well.... life...

Late night thoughts.

躺在床上, 思绪一直在脑里转动着。
其实时间已经不早了应该好好睡觉, 但是总感觉有些心里话想要写出来写完心里会自在些。

有时候真的很讨厌自己做一个善解人意(太听话)的女生,知道什么自己应该做,要体恤其他人, 什么话都不怎么感说出来就自己看在眼里就默默的让它过去。不只是面对感情问题吧, 生活中我就是这样。生怕自己不乖就会惹人厌怎么的。

Always caught in a delimma yet I always choose to be the nicer person, trying to be understanding trying be to accommodating. Well, I am not blaming anyone. Just some night the devil in me had got the better of me so I'm here trying to rant.

Watched the small little boy dancing video. He is so cute and adorable and I find him rather mature too! 妈妈说开心就是幸福。我的梦想就是让我的快乐让别人幸福。你, 幸福吗?

其实幸福可以很简单, 就是让自己快乐。

Thoughts.

Been thinking of any things, one thought flowing over the other.

Recently I've came to the conclusion about university, it is a micro view of the working world. In university, you get to see (many) students who are so eager to study to achieve good results for better "future". I am not trying to say they all study for the sake to get good grades, there are definitely students out there who study so hard to acquire knowledge and even the students who study so hard too, but what I am trying to say out it the mentality they have. I am not blaming them, that is what Singapore is you are rewarded based on meritocracy, you just have to show your worth to achieve what you want to achieve, those rank and position and what's not. Frankly since you've already spent so much on your education you better secure yourself a good job after you graduate. I was sharing my view with my dentist just now, he can't help and agree with me. Like what I heard from a speaker during a talk, university education probably just taught you how to think in a structured manner and all those case studies you've done probably not going to help much anymore. I guess anything else have to be explored by yourself. It's a lot of soft skills, interacting with people that's probably gonna bring you further in your career. Just like what my dentist Dr Lee mentioned, when he had conversation with his classmates they mentioned that the clinic doctor that does the best in school may not possibly turn out as the best (in terms of treating patients I assume) doctor. That's what I always hear the older people, it's really not how well you do in school, it probably boils down to your heart.

诚实的面对自己，面对其他人。
从心开始。

searching for myself in this superficial world.